The last two weeks or so...

After my birthday, I went back to work and spent a week getting everything in order there before my trip to Upstate New York and Toronto. I got everything done, packed at midnight and took off in the early morning to see my family. I no longer travel with a laptop; it's just too heavy and I don't ever seem to have good connections to the net while I travel. (Part of that is that my laptop is a bit dated and I don't want to spend the money on WiFi yet.) Also, I am more inclined to just enjoy the time I spend away now, just taking notes on the PDA and, of course, taking lots of pics. I got back from my trip late at night and went right back to work the next morning, and I've been busy there getting everything in order before my next trip...

Evan.



Ah... baby, baby, baby... I finally got to meet my nephew. He's just ten weeks old here, and what a personality already!



It's so wonderful to meet a nephew. It's amazing how a child that young knows that you are part of his family, and they do; he recognized me after just a few minutes and smiled. The first day I spent with him, I was able to pick him up when he was beginning to fuss and talk to him and he would hold my finger and drift off to sleep. I spent a lot of time holding him and talking to him. He's an incredibly sweet natured child, lot's of smiles and interaction, there's a lot of intelligence there... yeah, sure, I am a totally bonded Uncle Bunny! It's sweet.

His older sister, Emma, is taking this all pretty well considering that she used to be the focal point of the family. (She can always make Evan smile and even laugh. There's an amazing bond between them already). I made a point of spending time with Emma and talking just to her, but she's very intelligent, and she can tell the difference when you are doing something to be fair. I told her "that babies were nice, but they didn't talk much so they weren't as interesting" and she gave me this look, like Bette Davis in "All About Eve". Four and a half years old and you can not bullshit this girl... she commands respect.



And my Dad was really glad to see his grandkids! I think he looks happier here than I've seen him since my Mom died. We spent quite a bit of time with him at his new home at the "Senior Campus". It's a really great place and he likes it there. Our visit as a family, was a big hit at the place, in fact we had to add 30 minutes to our plans when we were going from there to anywhere else, because everyone there had to coo over Evan and talk to Emma. Emma is a rock star at my dad's place! We'd find her with her chair pulled up near the piano and watching intently as one of the residents played, or in the halls somewhere talking to someone in a wheelchair or a walker. She would just go off and do this...

My first evening there visiting my Dad, well, it freaked me out a bit. Sitting in one of the big common areas the first evening and working on a puzzle, because that's a big thing at my Dad's place, and listening to the 80 year old woman who plays the piano after dinner, I started to think, "OMG, this is my future in 25 years... It looks dull! OMG!"

And then I thought, well, of course the music will be different... all of us sitting around singing along with the Beatle's song "When I'm Sixty-Four" and laughing at the joke... and someone asks the VJ for Coldplay... and the drag shows will be fabulous! It's a bit scary to think about this, but having a great place to live in when you are 75 years old takes some advance planning. And as gay men, well, we are going to have to make our own place, just like we always have.

Sea Breeze Park




We all went to SeaBreeze Park, an amusement park in Rochester, New York, on the lake, which has been there for 125 years. My sister, my brother and I all went there as kids and there are a lot of memories. For me the big deal is always the carousel and the band organ, although the original old carousel and band organ was sadly destroyed in a fire a decade ago, the present one is still a joy. (I didn't have time to visit my all time favorite carousel at Ontario Beach park; it's one of the oldest in the country... and fabulous!)

The park has survived with new rides like this intense new roller coaster my sister, Karen and I went on...





Karen (above) showing her screaming face, hehe. My sister and I were the only ones who would go on the more scary rides and it was sweet to share this with her. We also did the vintage 20's roller coaster, the "Jack Rabbit", which my Dad had taken each of us on for the first time many years ago. At the end of the day, just before we left, my sister and brother and I went on a big chair swing ride together and it was so much fun. There were some kids behind us that were very funny; they kept screaming hysterically... things like "STEEEELLLA!" and "OMG! PLEASE! FOR GOD"S SAKE STOP THIS RIDE!" and "OH! THE TERROR! AHHHHHHH!" We finished the day off at a lake side hot dog and hamburger place called "Vic and Irv's", (which was opened in the thirties to compete with the other place, "Don and Bob's", hehe), and then we got some Abbott's Custard, probably the best summer ice cream treat ever.

Toronto.



We took the new Fast Ferry to Toronto the next day. It was the first official day of regular service and there was a glitch in printing out boarding passes, so the ferry left a bit late, but the trip was quite amazing. This twin hulled cateraman vessel is huge; it holds 750 passengers, 250+ cars and a few trucks and busses. You drive on and park, and then proceed upstairs to the passenger areas to find very comfortable seating areas, a few bars, some food and two movie theaters. Because of the cateraman design and the water jet propulsion, the ship can reach speeds of fifty-five miles and hour, and when it hits that speed, you can't stand up out on the open rear deck. It's an amazing ship, and the centerpiece of the first new border crossing between the U.S and Canada in fifty years.

My brother had got us very good rooms at the Westin Harbour Castle Hotel and we checked in right after clearing customs. We went out to explore a bit, visiting the St. Lawrence Market, one of the best food markets in the world. We had lunch there and then split up; my sister and Chris to do some shopping and see what cigars were available, the rest to the hotel and me to the local WFM, (was there ever any doubt?) I had a good visit there, very good store and an extremely good specialties department.

I got back to the hotel in time for a short nap, (Westin has really fabulous beds, btw, like seven different pillows and two different comforters, highly recommended dears...) and then took a shower and joined my sister, brother and my neice for dinner. Then, I went off into the Toronto nite to meet...



...Mikey! I hadn't seen Mikey since the first Vegas gathering, and he's just as sweet as ever. I spent some time with him and his boyfriend, (it was good to see them happy together). We met on the corner in the midst of Toronto's very gay area and went first, to a bar called l ("u" with and umlaut) b. It used to be called b l (u with an umlaut), but when it got sold, the new owners just changed the letters around. Then we went to the famous Woody's, where some of the interior shots for "Queer As Folk" are shot. It's a big, busy and friendly bar with lots of rooms, but very comfortable. We walked on down the street after that, (at one point, a group of Mikey's friends stopped to talk on the street... it was a very "QAF moment, hehe) then, each of us having to get home with a lot to do the next day and talking until it was time for me to get a cab and them to turn towards their place. It was all good.

As a family, we all got together the next day for brunch, and then did some shopping and did the CN Tower. I actually stood for a few seconds on the glass floor on the 114 story level and realized how intense my inate fear of heights really is. I like being up high and looking out, I just hate looking down!


Back across the border.




The trip back was lovely. I love this new ferry, wish it was there when I lived in Rochester...


I took my brother and his wife and the kids to the train the next morning, and it was hard to say goodby to them, especially as Evan woke up just before they left and smiled at me once again.

I drove off in my sister's car and went shopping, grocery shopping of course, to check on the competetion in the area and then went to my Dad's new place. We hung around for a while and then we went out shopping and had a really good time. My sister hates shopping with my Dad, but that's because she has tried to take him shopping for things that my Dad needs. My Dad is at the point in his Alzheimer's that he doesn't need anything; he already has stuff, (no matter how worn out it is) and it's confusing for him to pick out anything new. I've told her to just buy some more of the same things he already has, put them in his closet and just throw out the worn out ones. Sadly enough, this is the right thing to do.

When I go shopping with my Dad, well, I usually have something that I want to buy and I sometimes use the mall as an amusement park, but never more so than when I am with my Dad. I needed a new piece of luggage this time, a carry-on bag that would fit all the stuff I would need for some upcoming business trips. He patiently watched me pick through the stuff on sale. Then, I picked one and asked him what did he think about the color. He said, "Well, it's very red. Are you sure you want red?" Then I pulled out the handle and walked around with the bag behind me and asked him, "Do you think this is a good look for me?" For some reason this made us both laugh hysterically. The woman working the department came over to ask if everything was O.K. and I said, "Yes dear, this seems to be the perfect choice." I paid for it and we went on our way, stopping here and there to look at one thing or another and talk about it, just as if we had nothing in particular to do, which, in a way we didn't. And then we had lunch.

These times with my Dad are a treasure. We've known each other for a long time and at times, we were at each other's necks, biting and yelling and arguing, all tense. Now, it's all pretty sweet. My last day with him, I brought some lunch for us and after that I used my sister's computer to show the pictures of our visit. And after that, I was feeling tired, so I laid on the couch in his place and took a nap. When I woke up and saw my Dad there looking at me, I felt kind of secure and happy, like I hadn't since I was a child. And I could see that right then that he was looking at me as his son. The moment will stay with me...



Next...

I've been back at work since Wednesday and finished most of what I needed to do there tonight. Two days off, then a few hours at the Esplanade store on Tuesday morning and then off to the airport for Ft. Collins, Colorado, where I'll be working for most of the rest of the week.

I'm looking forward to the cooler climate and that veiw of the Rockies...

durlx

A few more hours and I will officially start another year of my life.

The anniversary of my birthday... ah, not such a big deal really, not anymore, but still, I think and reflect on the day.



The day.

I got up around 8 AM and did what I always do; go to the computer and check the news, the message boards..., had some breakfast, took a shower, but did not wash my hair as I was having a cut and color this morning... went a bit strawberry blonde in honor of meeting my new 10 week old nephew next week. After that I got a lot of errands done, things mailed off and such. My scooter had suddenly lost all of it's oil the day before, (a minor problem, but something that needed immediate attention), so I had to wait for the guys to come and pick it up with the truck so it could get fixed. (Honestly, fixing the bike is something that I could do, if I really, really wanted to, but I don't really want to, so I let the guys who are good at it do the work). And since I've sent this shop a lot of good referrals, they are happy to do the work for me fast and cheap.

After that, my day was "dis-armed" as my friend from Oz says when he's got all the lil' details out of the way. Well, almost. I talked to my brother in Boston for a while, with my nephew making baby sounds in the background... I told my bro that Evan's baby cooing sounded more masculine than my neice's cooing sounded at that age and I asked him if he thought so too. He, of course, told me that I was being silly, which, of course, I was.

Then, I started answering e-mails, and that took a few hours. For anyone who doesn't know me, I'll tell you: I do answer e-mails. Don't always get to it right away, but I do get to it eventually and today there were a lot of them to answer.

One of the e-mails was to Mikey in Toronto and he e-mailed me back, and I e-mailed him back, and... I called him finally because it was easier to talk about meeting when I am there next week. I'll be with my family on an over night trip to Toronto from Rochester on the brand new ferry, but they will all be retiring early on Saturday nite, so I'll be free in the evening and Mikey will show me what Toronto gay nite life has to offer. And it will be great to see him again, he's a sweetheart.

The days before and after the Toronto trip will all be mostly spent with my Dad in his new assisted living place, and my last day there will be just for him and me there, and the people he refers to as "the older people". Hehe, somehow, as the Alzheimer's keeps kicking in, his sense of humor and irony seems to get sharper. Sometimes he says the most amazing things! Last year, when we were in the Audubon Zoo here in New Orleans, he told me that "those animals must be on drugs! Look at them, they have nothing useful to do." His non sequiters are at times, stunning. And because I love him, they are also incredibly endearing and sweet.

I'm very much looking forward to this trip. It has all the things I love including... oh! yeah, there's a place called Abbott's Custard that makes the best soft serve ice cream ever! It's just incredibly good, and they are located right were we get on the ferry in Charlotte harbor. Perfect.



So, over all, how am I doing really?

I'll be fifty (fifty, goddamit!) four fuking years old in a few hours. My working hours are a joy, filled with passion and fulfillment. I love what I do and I am very good at it.

Most of the rest of my time, except for when I am traveling, is a bit dreadful, flat and dull. There's a bit of imbalance here and I haven't yet figured out how to fix it. Of course, a lover, a partner would help, but I've gotten to the point where I hardly know where to look for that here in New Orleans. A new venue may be the answer. I think that my work with WFM may provide the direction. In the meantime, I endure.

I am not a weakling child. I've been through some hard times and survived, (losing Bill is still after many years an issue that makes me sad), and it's not like I've ever been starving or eating out of dumpsters or raped by hordes of nasty, um, well whatever people might be nasty enough to rape me... and somehow make me not like it.

Hey, but mostly I've been doing well enough.

The dark side...

But every so often I have been overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness and loss; I miss having a lover a lot... it's not easily fixed... and for a while, I did hit this bad, bad low patch where I didn't think that I would ever love again. And that was really bad because it felt like the end of everything. I never mentioned it in the journal and even now writing about that time is difficult, but I'm glad I finally put it in print. The things in the journal, where I said I was happy, I was. I just left out the bad parts.


The good news...

Like I said earlier. Work, very good, lots of passion there.

Day to day stuff, outside of work, not all that bad, but not that much fire.

Friends, I have many... just so scattered around the country and the planet... I miss the big neighborhood feel I used to have here in New Orleans, I used to be able to throw a party here with lots of people showing up. But I do have Robert next door and he is a very good friend, you couldn't ask for better.

The future, like George Micheals said, "Ya gotta have faith!" And I do once again have faith that life will answer. And that's important.

But most of all, I got a fabulous cut and color this morning and my hair is to dye for!

That and I will always be on the road in search of the perfect cheese...

Maybe next year I'll do the nude shot for my birthday like Bry from ChaosInAustindoes, instead of this long confessional form, but don't hold your breath, it's not healthy, dears.

love, durlx

Some films that I have watched recently and liked a lot...
...with links to Amazon.com, should you want to buy the DVD's.







Big Fish


Wow! I loved this movie! What's not to like? Ewen McGregor,(who could read the dictionary as long as he smiles while doing it..) Albert Finney, both of these guys playin' southern boys, Danny Devito as a circus ringmaster wierdo and Tim Burton as director! Great performances here and Tim Burton takes on a story about how a son gets to know his father and gets a chance to show that he knows how to do that kind of story well without sacrificing his spooky personal vision of things. The film has this wonderful, beautiful balance between fantasy and truth and you are never really sure which side of the fence your on. Best of all, you don't care whether it's true or not, you just want it to be real.

The original story was written by a gay man and the producers are gay. I think that had a lot to do with the way this movie turned out. I think it's a very sweet film. What do you think?





Adventures of Felix


This film was done by two French gay guys who are lovers. That fact is probably more important than you might think at first when looking at this film. The first thing you are going to look at is the man who plays the lead, Felix. His name is Sami Bouajila and he's stunningly beautiful. He's a straight French actor, arab... but he plays gay very well and that's because he's a very good actor, the kind of male lead that Fellini would have made famous. This film offers him a lot of chances to skip out on the edge emotionally, and he handles it well and especially during love scenes with men. There's lots of kissing and hugging, and a good long look at him naked several times throughout the film, and unlike most American actors, there is no coyness about it. It's just there naturally during the story.

The story: Felix loses his job on a ferry across the channel, (the chunnel is mentioned as a reason for the ferry shutting down) and he ends up at home a bit more than his lover is used to. The fact that he's on meds for HIV is part of the story, not such a big part really, but that, and the fact that he finds some cash, and some old letters with his father's address in a strong box in his mother's apartment as he is cleaning it out after her death may account a bit for his decision to take off and hitch hike to Marseille in search of the man who fathered him. He sets off with plans to meet his lover in five days. On his way he meets some people who seem to represent members of his family. It's metaphorical: the young boy, his brother. The older woman, (played by the amazing Patachou, an older French actress of incredible power), his grandmother. A hot man who gives him a ride becomes a "cousin", which I guess explains the hot sex they have. Later he meets a woman with many children, his "sister". And finally as he nears the docks of Marseille, he meets an older guy who is not his father, but might have been.

He did the journey. The trip was the thing, not the destination. In the end he meets his lover in Marseille and his lover is all curious; what did the father look like and how did it all go? There are no answers, but love is there to end the film as they hug and kiss. It's very romantic and sweeeeeet!

Remember what I said in the beginning about the two gay lovers who made this film? There is some tension in the plot, (in France, the fact that Felix is an Arab was apparently more shocking than the fact that he was gay), but the tension is fairly light. There's such a happy ending... and that's the way these two gay lover film makers wanted it. A bit of a confection perhaps, but then I wanted a happy ending for this one too. I really wanted the good looking guy to stay stay with his lover. I wanted a happy ending. And so did the film makers.

Fortunately, they had Sami Bouajila to carry it off.