A few more hours and I will officially start another year of my life.

The anniversary of my birthday... ah, not such a big deal really, not anymore, but still, I think and reflect on the day.



The day.

I got up around 8 AM and did what I always do; go to the computer and check the news, the message boards..., had some breakfast, took a shower, but did not wash my hair as I was having a cut and color this morning... went a bit strawberry blonde in honor of meeting my new 10 week old nephew next week. After that I got a lot of errands done, things mailed off and such. My scooter had suddenly lost all of it's oil the day before, (a minor problem, but something that needed immediate attention), so I had to wait for the guys to come and pick it up with the truck so it could get fixed. (Honestly, fixing the bike is something that I could do, if I really, really wanted to, but I don't really want to, so I let the guys who are good at it do the work). And since I've sent this shop a lot of good referrals, they are happy to do the work for me fast and cheap.

After that, my day was "dis-armed" as my friend from Oz says when he's got all the lil' details out of the way. Well, almost. I talked to my brother in Boston for a while, with my nephew making baby sounds in the background... I told my bro that Evan's baby cooing sounded more masculine than my neice's cooing sounded at that age and I asked him if he thought so too. He, of course, told me that I was being silly, which, of course, I was.

Then, I started answering e-mails, and that took a few hours. For anyone who doesn't know me, I'll tell you: I do answer e-mails. Don't always get to it right away, but I do get to it eventually and today there were a lot of them to answer.

One of the e-mails was to Mikey in Toronto and he e-mailed me back, and I e-mailed him back, and... I called him finally because it was easier to talk about meeting when I am there next week. I'll be with my family on an over night trip to Toronto from Rochester on the brand new ferry, but they will all be retiring early on Saturday nite, so I'll be free in the evening and Mikey will show me what Toronto gay nite life has to offer. And it will be great to see him again, he's a sweetheart.

The days before and after the Toronto trip will all be mostly spent with my Dad in his new assisted living place, and my last day there will be just for him and me there, and the people he refers to as "the older people". Hehe, somehow, as the Alzheimer's keeps kicking in, his sense of humor and irony seems to get sharper. Sometimes he says the most amazing things! Last year, when we were in the Audubon Zoo here in New Orleans, he told me that "those animals must be on drugs! Look at them, they have nothing useful to do." His non sequiters are at times, stunning. And because I love him, they are also incredibly endearing and sweet.

I'm very much looking forward to this trip. It has all the things I love including... oh! yeah, there's a place called Abbott's Custard that makes the best soft serve ice cream ever! It's just incredibly good, and they are located right were we get on the ferry in Charlotte harbor. Perfect.



So, over all, how am I doing really?

I'll be fifty (fifty, goddamit!) four fuking years old in a few hours. My working hours are a joy, filled with passion and fulfillment. I love what I do and I am very good at it.

Most of the rest of my time, except for when I am traveling, is a bit dreadful, flat and dull. There's a bit of imbalance here and I haven't yet figured out how to fix it. Of course, a lover, a partner would help, but I've gotten to the point where I hardly know where to look for that here in New Orleans. A new venue may be the answer. I think that my work with WFM may provide the direction. In the meantime, I endure.

I am not a weakling child. I've been through some hard times and survived, (losing Bill is still after many years an issue that makes me sad), and it's not like I've ever been starving or eating out of dumpsters or raped by hordes of nasty, um, well whatever people might be nasty enough to rape me... and somehow make me not like it.

Hey, but mostly I've been doing well enough.

The dark side...

But every so often I have been overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness and loss; I miss having a lover a lot... it's not easily fixed... and for a while, I did hit this bad, bad low patch where I didn't think that I would ever love again. And that was really bad because it felt like the end of everything. I never mentioned it in the journal and even now writing about that time is difficult, but I'm glad I finally put it in print. The things in the journal, where I said I was happy, I was. I just left out the bad parts.


The good news...

Like I said earlier. Work, very good, lots of passion there.

Day to day stuff, outside of work, not all that bad, but not that much fire.

Friends, I have many... just so scattered around the country and the planet... I miss the big neighborhood feel I used to have here in New Orleans, I used to be able to throw a party here with lots of people showing up. But I do have Robert next door and he is a very good friend, you couldn't ask for better.

The future, like George Micheals said, "Ya gotta have faith!" And I do once again have faith that life will answer. And that's important.

But most of all, I got a fabulous cut and color this morning and my hair is to dye for!

That and I will always be on the road in search of the perfect cheese...

Maybe next year I'll do the nude shot for my birthday like Bry from ChaosInAustindoes, instead of this long confessional form, but don't hold your breath, it's not healthy, dears.

love, durlx